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A while back I started to organize my closet.  I didn’t get anywhere.  Then I just left it.  What a mess!  Then it got worse.  I started bringing home clothes from my mom’s closet.  My dad couldn’t take looking at them anymore.  It was just too hard for him and made him miss her that much more.  So I started bringing them home.

At first, I mostly brought home the ones I mostly liked. It didn’t really matter if they were my size or not.  I just kinda liked them and they were my moms.  She was always pretty and had pretty clothes.  I wore some of them the past year and others I just left in the closet.  One day I’ll fit in them.  I can switch them up and bring them up to the current style.  Right?

Then winter came and I brought home more.  Several of her pretty suits with jackets and a couple of dresses.  Now my closet was busting at the seams.  But I wasn’t wearing anything that I brought home.  My closet was a mess and I really hadn’t gained anything.  They just hung there.  But my closet was full and at first I felt like I had a major shopping spree.  But that faded and they just hung there.

I’ve been on a small mission this year to lose weight.  It’s very slow going with lots of set backs.  But I’m kicking it into high gear and I’m making some other changes as well.  I decided to tackle my dresser as my first change.  It had the same problem as my closet with the added benefit of all the clothes I’ve hung on to all these years.  You know, the clothes you hope to fit back into, the stained ones, the ones with tiny holes you think no one else can see.  The faded out ones, the ones that are way too big.  You get the picture.

I was brutal.  If it was stained, gone.  Too small, gone.  I felt like an assassin.  The dresser was easy.  Then came the closet.  I started trying on mom’s suits and started piling them on the bed one by one.  And then something unexpected happened.  I had a total break down.  Too afraid to get rid of her clothes, but I didn’t know if I wanted to keep them either.  If I were to go shopping, would I pick them out?  Do I really like them?  Do they even look good on me?  I am about three inches shorter after all. So I cried and cried.  Partly because of my weight gain and partly because they were hers and she’s not here.  My poor hubby found me and just held me.

Then thankfully Emily just made a simple statement that changed it all.  “Why not get a box and put them in it and when you lose the weight, you can make a decision then whether to keep them or not.”  So simple, yet it worked.  It kept me from making a decision today about some of my mom’s clothes and I can still get rid of everything else!

Today I bought 3 large containers and went through my closet like an assassin.  I boxed up everything I can’t wear but thought that I might want to when I lose the weight.  Then bagged up everything else to be given away.  I took four giant trash bags of clothes and shoes out of my room.  My resolve has worn down and I almost had another break down today as I was purging my closet.

I’m not sure why today.  It’s not about boxing up my mom’s clothes anymore.  It’s not about the “if I don’t love it, I ain’t keeping it” thought that has been running through my thoughts.  I think it’s that my life has changed, is changing and change is hard.  I let go of clothes that I’ve had since I had Becca.  I let go of clothes my mom bought me.  Clothes my husband bought me, etc.  Why are we women so attached to everything?  But I need to find my path, even if it’s clothing.

I did this for no one else but myself.  That is huge!  No one asked me to purge my dresser and closet.  I did it.  And as I stare at an almost empty closet and dresser I have no choice now except to move forward.  No excuses.  Time to let go of the past (and that by no way means forgetting my mom) and find my future.  Find myself again.  So let the journey begin!